maanantai, 24. tammikuu 2011

Today

This is a good day. Even though it didn't start so well. I can't name a one person who want's to have a phonecall like this:

 

"I was thinking about making a suicide but then I realized that I can't do that because I love you all so much."

"K****, don't you ever call me and say that. I haven't got over the suicide of my mother and now you are calling me like this. Can't you see that we need you. My younger boy so want's to see you. He misses you."

"I know. But do you understand that you four are the most important things in my life."

 

The phonecall continued and we talked about my mysery and what I'm going through at the moment. That was my aunt calling. She was a little drunk, as always when she calls like that.

 

My mom was an alcoholic and killed her self in 2005, when my older son was only three months old. I was seventeen by then and when I got the phonecall from my father that morning, my life turned over. A part of me died.

 

Mom had been the most important person in my life and I had helped her in every possible ways. I took  care of my little brother, who was fifteen years when this suicide was commited.

 

There was a little slice of my past..

 

But this day is a good day. No one can take it from me.

perjantai, 21. tammikuu 2011

Dear diary..

 


Not feeling so well..
 
 

You know the feeling when everything seems so fucking hard and exhausting? I've got it now. I don't know who I am and where I'm going. I don't know who are my enemies and who of those enemies are my so called friends.
 
Only one thing could cheer me up at the moment. It's called 'love'.. I know. Sounds so stupid and childish but I'm so lonely. I need someone next to me. Someone holding me in my depress. Someone who understands me. Understands that I'm not normal and still loves me.. There is no one like that.. No one can feel the inside of me, know what is going on in there. How could they if I don't even know!''

I don't even know a word for this feeling.. It's like my mind and my body were locked. I can't move my arms but my mind doesn't do any work either. It's frustrating. I don't rememeber what I've done a moment ago. I've just drove to work and I wonder where I was on the way cause I can't remember the road ore the other cars.

 

 
 

 

 
 
 
 

I'm worried.. I don't wanna get depressed again.
 
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    Elämä ei aina ole helppoa. Jotkut kokevat sen harmillisen rankalla tavalla. Onneksi on mahdollista tehdä toisin, kuin vanhempansa ovat tehneet. Onneksi on aina olemassa toinen vaihtoehto.
     
    Blogissani käsittelen minun elämääni koskettaneita asioita ja niitä asioita, joiden avulla olen selvinnyt. Tarkoituksenani ei ole hakea sääliä, vaan kenties auttaa muita saman läpikäyneitä.
     
    Aina on jäljellä toivoa. Aina on mahdollista vaihtaa suuntaa, kohti parempaa.
     
    Elämä on vain elämää, turhaan moninkertaistamme sitä ja teemme siitä vaikeaa.